Wednesday, January 16, 2008

About Exercise.................

This is dedicated to every woman who has ever attempted to get into a
>regular workout routine. A must read! If you can read this without
>laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.
>- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
>Working Out
>Dear Diary...
>For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week
>of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
>in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it
>would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and
>made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who
>identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for
>athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my
>enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
>my progress.
>Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
>worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He

>is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
>white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He
>took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my
>pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra
>aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted
>his aerobics class. I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
>from holding it in the whole time he was around..... This is going to be a
>I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce
>made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put

>weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
>the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
>GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
>The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
>counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
>hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
>or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was
>impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
>His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he
>scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
>when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the
>hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
>obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and
>enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
>Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
>cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
>an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work
>out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
>room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
>machine - which I sank.
>I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any
>other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
>little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
>unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my
>triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
>floor, don't hand me the &*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than
>a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended
>and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I
>landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone

>softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
>Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
>wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to
>smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
>use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
>*$@#&$ Weather Channel.
>I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
>thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my dear
>husband will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root
>canal or a hysterectomy.


Janet said...

I know why I don't work out, but at least i can drive!! Too funny!

Janet ( the out of shape one)

Jackie said...

I am still giggling madly. My husband keeps asking me what is so funny. Thanks for the laughter.

Penny @ Lavender Hill Studio said...

LOL!!! Ok, I officially had tears running down my face!

Classic Charm said...

Oh Nan - thanks for starting off my day with a tummy ache from laughing. Ha!

Rosie's Whimsy said...

That was so funny. No Personal Trainer for me!!!!

Karen H. said...

Good Morning Nan,
Okay, this is just too funny here. "THANK YOU" for a good laugh this morning. Now, I know why I don't go to a Gym or have a Personal Trainer. I know I could use both, but after reading this, I think NOT. LOL. I'll just stay the way I am. Take care my friend and have a great day. May God Bless You and Yours. I do hope I don't have to read of a Hysterectomy this time next year. ROFLMBO.

Love & Hugs,
Karen H.

BittersweetPunkin said...

LOL!!!!!!! As soon as I got to Wednesday I started hootin' out loud! That is funny!! I avoid exercise at all cost!

Suzy said...

I love it!!!!! So funny!!!
Ok I have to go and calm a little bit. This is great exercise for my tummy!

Tammy said...

My aunt emailed this too me...I laughed so hard when I read it the first time! I really liked the smiley graphic! Poor lil' fellah!

Sherry said...

LOL!!! This sounds like my attitude towards exercise!! Thought I do need to get back to it...I was doing so well for awhile!!

PAT said...

Great post Nan. Hmmm...I think I'll pass on a personal trainer.


Marcela said...

Hello Nan
This is so funny!!! You made my day, !!!
Thanks for this post

bj said...


bj said...

This is so funny I can barely type, I am laughing so hard.
Way cute!